maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Randomize
