It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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