At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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