I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
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