Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
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