I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
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