Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
