I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
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