I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I got her a Nickelback box set.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Randomize
