she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize