We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I've blown a few things in my day
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Randomize
