She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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