I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
