Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
