I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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