note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
