Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
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