hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
