A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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