we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Randomize
