i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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