you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
