I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
