shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
