i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
