i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
