Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
where am i from again
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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