If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
