Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
