she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Dignity is for republicans.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
