Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
