Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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