The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
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