haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
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