So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
