You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
