i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
