he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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