So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize