last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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