did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
do nipples grow back?
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
