when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
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