2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
