She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
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