I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
