Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
