i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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