hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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