Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
