dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
a search helicopter?!
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
