I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
