last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
