You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
