I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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