I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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