I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
