Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
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