Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Randomize
