Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Randomize
