I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
